Sucks but True

I think that it goes without saying (but I'll say it anyways, smile), I'm a "changed" person since the loss of Alexander.

Many times, I want to write "better" but I wonder if that's too conceited. Even if it's not conceited, is it even true? Am I really a "better" person?

I know that my life (now) is much sadder than it was before he died but I think that my kids life is better. That I'm a "better" (read: more relaxed, less anxious) mother. That I try to remember that cookies for dinner isn't the end of the world. That control over all of the aspects of one's life does not keep you alive. Trust me, I tried.

Speaking of control, before I met my husband, in my naivety, I truly believed that if I took good care of myself (worked out, ate right, didn't drink, unfortunately, I didn't think about the mental aspect...) that I would live forever. Seriously.

You can imagine my surprise when he told me the truth (pretty near grounds for not accepting his marriage proposal, no, they didn't happen in the same night, smile). Just to get a couple of things straight, I am educated and was not raised by wolves.

When Alexander was sick, I employed the same techniques as when we almost ran out of gas in "bum fuck nowhere Mexico". I wished him well. I prayed him healed. I promised all the things that I would do if he just lived. I thought about it so much and so hard that I really thought that it would happen. No such luck.

While I have lost most of my naivety, I have not forgotten about my promises. I can't tell you exactly what they were (I can't remember), but, I know what they were "about".

Acceptance. Compassion. Empathy. (To name a few)

I am a better person because he lived and died and I know that saying that doesn't make me conceited.

I also know that I couldn't be a better person and have Alexander in my arms.

Sucks but true.

What I Want

I don't want to be mad at people for using Moderator Approvals on comments. How silly.
I don't want to be sad about losing Alexander. I want to be happy that he lived.
I don't want to wish away his existence because his loss hurts too much. Seriously, did I just write that?

I want what I can't have.

It Sucks to Be Me

I should have titled this "If I were someone else, I would think that it would suck to be me".

I say that because today I read about a new life. A child being born.

Problem is, that they were born prematurely and a lot of us know how that can turn out...

And that's the kind of statement that makes me think that other people would think it must suck to be me.

This isn't the first time I've thought that someone would die (the moment that they're alive). Heck, I think it all the time with kids of all ages (yep, right up into adulthood and beyond, I don't discriminate against death, it's for everyone).

More importantly (than what other people think) is what do I think. Well, I think that it sucks that the first thing I think about when I hear that someone has been born is that they're going to die... soon.

Seeing as I don't have any condition that would limit me from thinking differently, the question becomes, what am I going to do about it.

And that's just it, I don't know.

I write lists, about all the things that I have to be thankful for. Time and time again, I come back to my other list, all the things that I have lost. Thankfully it's a short one with only one entry; Alexander.

That one item is pretty powerful and has taken over my life. I'd like to pretend that it hasn't but I think about what I don't have A LOT of the time. There are glimpses of true happiness but they are immediately followed by sorrow, missing Alexander.

I need a new way of looking at things.

Reading other BLM blogs really helps me figure out where I am (or where I'm not if that makes sense). A recent post suggested that sometimes (perhaps) one needs to step away from the community for awhile to get some clarity.

Am I using all of you as a crutch or as a vital lifeline? Like if I didn't have you, it would really suck to be me?

Awaiting Moderator Approval

What is up with comments requiring "Moderator Approval"?

Is it to protect themselves from hurtful, cruel, trolls?

If that's the case, I can't see how they're fulfilling their goal. You see, they have to read all the posts before they get posted hence nullifying their ability to protect themselves from said hurtful posts.

Whereas, if they allowed people to comment to their hearts content, and didn't like what they've said, they can delete it. Less work, same outcome.

Regardless, both require them to read the comment.

I'm not one to comment but every once in a while I get up the guts. I don't usually check for a reply or response to my comment unless I specifically ask a question. However, when it's one of those "awaiting moderator approval", I always bookmark it.

Recently, my comment didn't measure up. She didn't approve it.

Maybe it's for control. Maybe they want to make sure that they read all the comments from their loyal followers. Maybe they don't know that Blogger can automatically send them an email when a comment is left. Maybe I'm missing something.

Did she just not see it (is that even possible)? Or, was it just not good enough? After submitting my comment I received a message that stated "Your comment was saved and is Waiting for Moderator Approval" so I know that it was received somewhere...

I know that I shouldn't let it bother me but it does.

In or Out?

So I've had tons of post ideas circling in my head for weeks (it's pretty busy in there) but I haven't posted anything.

I always get started and then can't figure out what I'm "really" trying to say.

This post started out about wanting to ask you for the recommendation of an educational video tape (with singing, dancing and/or music, amongst other things) for kids under three.

Then I thought, don't do that (the horror).

Then I came up with a whole bunch of excuses reasons why I needed to post about it; I have another blog but only my family looks at it. I'd tried to Google things but it's hard to search for something that you don't know exists. I could email some people but most I know have kids younger or are in high school.

And then I thought that maybe I don't have enough (in real life) friends (totally another post and unrelated, or is it?).

Then I heard some of you talking to me from my left shoulder (not really, at least not yet) saying "Fuck those that don't understand" that "aren't supportive". "Deal with your grief your way".

And from the right I was hearing, "People come here to hear about life with loss not videotapes" and "Here we go again, that kind of insensitive talk is exactly what got you kicked out of the Infertile Club".

Through all the fucked up disjointed (yet connected) thoughts I kept coming back to the fear that I would be thrown out of the "BLM Club". (Never thought I'd say that, smile).

So, now that I've done it (posted about videotapes), am I In or Out?

P.S. I now realize that my fear of mentioning videotapes was just a metaphor for the fear that I have regarding all the other things going on in my head.

P.P.S. If you happen to have any recommendations, I'd really appreciate it. I don't know anything about anything (to do with videos) so feel free to educate me. Or just educate me in general.

How Long?

I know how I'm going to respond to their Ulterior Motives "How Long Did He Live" question (if I have the guts).

"He lived long enough to justify my grief."

That should shut them up.

One Word

Today Natalie’s post got me to thinking; pick one word to describe who you are since losing your child.

“Different” immediately came to mind. It’s accurate but not descriptive enough.

You know how people say that when they die, their soul leaves their body and then they watch themselves (on the operating table or wherever else) as people try and revive them. Well, that’s me, hanging out above, watching me, my life. Going through the motions, laughing, crying, teaching but not really all there. That’s how I feel.

“Surreal” isn’t the right word because there is nothing “dreamlike” about my world. I totally understand that this is real, that this is my life.

“Elsewhere” came to mind but I’m not physically elsewhere, just emotionally and mentally.

We threw around “Removed” (I got help from my husband and thesaurus.com) but it’s not quite right.

So far, I’ve short listed “Disconnected” but it’s still not exactly right. It seems too simple a word for such a “Convoluted” existence.

I was about to talk about the guilt I feel about not being totally “here” for my other kids and that’s when I thought of it.

Absent.