In or Out?

So I've had tons of post ideas circling in my head for weeks (it's pretty busy in there) but I haven't posted anything.

I always get started and then can't figure out what I'm "really" trying to say.

This post started out about wanting to ask you for the recommendation of an educational video tape (with singing, dancing and/or music, amongst other things) for kids under three.

Then I thought, don't do that (the horror).

Then I came up with a whole bunch of excuses reasons why I needed to post about it; I have another blog but only my family looks at it. I'd tried to Google things but it's hard to search for something that you don't know exists. I could email some people but most I know have kids younger or are in high school.

And then I thought that maybe I don't have enough (in real life) friends (totally another post and unrelated, or is it?).

Then I heard some of you talking to me from my left shoulder (not really, at least not yet) saying "Fuck those that don't understand" that "aren't supportive". "Deal with your grief your way".

And from the right I was hearing, "People come here to hear about life with loss not videotapes" and "Here we go again, that kind of insensitive talk is exactly what got you kicked out of the Infertile Club".

Through all the fucked up disjointed (yet connected) thoughts I kept coming back to the fear that I would be thrown out of the "BLM Club". (Never thought I'd say that, smile).

So, now that I've done it (posted about videotapes), am I In or Out?

P.S. I now realize that my fear of mentioning videotapes was just a metaphor for the fear that I have regarding all the other things going on in my head.

P.P.S. If you happen to have any recommendations, I'd really appreciate it. I don't know anything about anything (to do with videos) so feel free to educate me. Or just educate me in general.