It Sucks to Be Me

I should have titled this "If I were someone else, I would think that it would suck to be me".

I say that because today I read about a new life. A child being born.

Problem is, that they were born prematurely and a lot of us know how that can turn out...

And that's the kind of statement that makes me think that other people would think it must suck to be me.

This isn't the first time I've thought that someone would die (the moment that they're alive). Heck, I think it all the time with kids of all ages (yep, right up into adulthood and beyond, I don't discriminate against death, it's for everyone).

More importantly (than what other people think) is what do I think. Well, I think that it sucks that the first thing I think about when I hear that someone has been born is that they're going to die... soon.

Seeing as I don't have any condition that would limit me from thinking differently, the question becomes, what am I going to do about it.

And that's just it, I don't know.

I write lists, about all the things that I have to be thankful for. Time and time again, I come back to my other list, all the things that I have lost. Thankfully it's a short one with only one entry; Alexander.

That one item is pretty powerful and has taken over my life. I'd like to pretend that it hasn't but I think about what I don't have A LOT of the time. There are glimpses of true happiness but they are immediately followed by sorrow, missing Alexander.

I need a new way of looking at things.

Reading other BLM blogs really helps me figure out where I am (or where I'm not if that makes sense). A recent post suggested that sometimes (perhaps) one needs to step away from the community for awhile to get some clarity.

Am I using all of you as a crutch or as a vital lifeline? Like if I didn't have you, it would really suck to be me?