Wednesday, 22 June 2011

It Sucks to Be Me

I should have titled this "If I were someone else, I would think that it would suck to be me".

I say that because today I read about a new life. A child being born.

Problem is, that they were born prematurely and a lot of us know how that can turn out...

And that's the kind of statement that makes me think that other people would think it must suck to be me.

This isn't the first time I've thought that someone would die (the moment that they're alive). Heck, I think it all the time with kids of all ages (yep, right up into adulthood and beyond, I don't discriminate against death, it's for everyone).

More importantly (than what other people think) is what do I think. Well, I think that it sucks that the first thing I think about when I hear that someone has been born is that they're going to die... soon.

Seeing as I don't have any condition that would limit me from thinking differently, the question becomes, what am I going to do about it.

And that's just it, I don't know.

I write lists, about all the things that I have to be thankful for. Time and time again, I come back to my other list, all the things that I have lost. Thankfully it's a short one with only one entry; Alexander.

That one item is pretty powerful and has taken over my life. I'd like to pretend that it hasn't but I think about what I don't have A LOT of the time. There are glimpses of true happiness but they are immediately followed by sorrow, missing Alexander.

I need a new way of looking at things.

Reading other BLM blogs really helps me figure out where I am (or where I'm not if that makes sense). A recent post suggested that sometimes (perhaps) one needs to step away from the community for awhile to get some clarity.

Am I using all of you as a crutch or as a vital lifeline? Like if I didn't have you, it would really suck to be me?


  1. If you stepped away, then we wouldn't have you either. :(

  2. Thinking of you. I wrote those three words and just stared at them for a while wondering what to say next but still feeling the need to say something.
    It has been almost 8 years since I lost my son Andrew and still when I hear of premature babies (though he was not premature), I too think that death will come soon. I have been part of this community for so long it is just something that I think about.
    I think that it is 'normal' (for us in this community) to think often about death since it is death that took our precious babes. I think about it a lot and for a while I felt that I was walking with a cloud over my head- and certainly was stuck and for some time. I didn't start my blog until the rawness of it was over- until I realized that this wasn't some horrible nightmare that I was stuck in (aka YEARS!) But that being said my thoughts of death turned to thoughts of heaven and a wonderful place where my son is (albeit without me). That seemed to help me- to think of him happy and waiting for me for certainly he knew my love. That is not to say that I didn't have my bouts with God or anger or any of those other emotions- I just (for reasons unknown) always felt that he was 'safe'.
    I think that BLM blogs are good to read- for seeing where you've been and perhaps where you're going. For me it was my support group. I treasured the moms who were years out from where I was. I saw them smile and deep down knew I wanted that too- and then I saw newer moms and saw me and the rawness of that horrible grief...
    Anyway- Sorry for my ramble (or mini-blog in itself) comment.
    I am thinking of you and Alexander and wishing you peace (for whatever that is worth... even if it's just for a moment...)