Monday, 19 September 2011

Part One and Part Two

Lots of times, before people post, they let their readers know that "sensitive" or "[insert topic]" type of information will be forthcoming.

I don't give those warnings. I never really thought about it. Like I mentioned in one of my first posts, I've already been kicked out of all the "Clubs" so why worry now?

In light of my recent feelings about surprise pregnancy announcements (not all of them, just some) and seeing that others too have these feelings (and have been posting about them lately), it got me to thinking.

Should I warn my readers that this post will include the mention of my other kids? I mean, this is a blog about Alexander. I don't know who all my readers are (except those that comment) but I'm assuming that the large majority are BLM's. I'm assuming that they come here to read about my feelings regarding the loss of my son, not the living. I know that some of them don't have living children and yearn for them with every fibre in their body and soul.

Am I being insensitive?

While this is a space to talk about my true feelings regarding Alexander, it's also a place where I can share what I'm really thinking (although I do still hold back a bit) and not worry about the rath of family and friends.

Having said that, consider this your one and only warning. I will be talking about my kids in this post and may talk about them in the future.

If your feelings are hurt by this, I am truly sorry. I wish whatever saddens you wasn't so. I totally understand if you choose not to read me anymore.

Maybe I've made a bigger deal out of this than is necessary. Note to self: Re-read post about "Wise Woman". Moving on.

One of my family members prefers one of my living children over the other. It's obvious to everyone but them.

I'm not sure whether I'm happy or sad that Alexander is their second favorite. I mean, he doesn't know any different but my other child does. While I reap the benefits of this favoritism (hearing his name), my other child suffers (a bit of a dramatization on the use of this word but you get my drift).

This person should know better.

I found myself trying to compensate for the lack of and negative attention on the "neglected child" by "equalling out" the attention myself. However, an unequal amount of my time and energy was focussed on trying to compensate for the family member and not on what my children needed from me, individually. I stopped trying to make up for the family members shortcomings.

I've openly told this person about how I perceive their actions. They've told me "I'm on crack" (pretty much). My husband has offered to say something. It won't change anything. I can't make this person act and be what I want them to be. Thankfully, they are not involved with the kids on a regular basis.

Life isn't fair.

Sunday, 18 September 2011

Is this really my life?

Remember that "Wise Woman" I was talking about. I don't know how she does it.

So, I was just outside taking the dogs for their nightly jaunt (not normally my job but the hubby is away) and I got to thinking. The last time that I was out with the dogs at night was in November, the year Alexander was born. In fact, the very night that his water broke. One million weeks too early.

I know that I shouldn't be thinking these things (I'm about to get to what
"these things are"), let alone writing about them but you guys are my mirror, my sounding board. That which allows me to truly hear what I'm actually thinking. By now, I'm sure that you know what I'm thinking.

Maybe I wasn't dressed warmly enough (there was a real chill).
It was really late (or is that early), they could have waited until the morning.
I should have left the walking to the neighbour (my hubby was once again away).
I'd been out shopping that week (preparing the nursery), maybe I pushed too far.

Does the guilt and questioning ever go Away? Subside? I seem to always come up with new shit.

It feels like it's been intensifing itself lately. Is that "common" for being almost two years out?

Is this really my life?

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

A Wise Woman

once told me that it was better to remain silent than spew verbal diarrhea for the sake of having something to say. Wise Woman.

Having said that, I'm having a hard time with pregnancy announcements. Fucking infertility. Even after having kids it just never goes away. I wish that I was happier for others than I was sad for myself (does that make sense?). I don't think that my sadness is associated with the loss of Alexander (but what do I know). I realize that even if I were to have 20 children, I could never replace him.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm here, reading, thinking and feeling.