How Long?

I know how I'm going to respond to their Ulterior Motives "How Long Did He Live" question (if I have the guts).

"He lived long enough to justify my grief."

That should shut them up.

One Word

Today Natalie’s post got me to thinking; pick one word to describe who you are since losing your child.

“Different” immediately came to mind. It’s accurate but not descriptive enough.

You know how people say that when they die, their soul leaves their body and then they watch themselves (on the operating table or wherever else) as people try and revive them. Well, that’s me, hanging out above, watching me, my life. Going through the motions, laughing, crying, teaching but not really all there. That’s how I feel.

“Surreal” isn’t the right word because there is nothing “dreamlike” about my world. I totally understand that this is real, that this is my life.

“Elsewhere” came to mind but I’m not physically elsewhere, just emotionally and mentally.

We threw around “Removed” (I got help from my husband and thesaurus.com) but it’s not quite right.

So far, I’ve short listed “Disconnected” but it’s still not exactly right. It seems too simple a word for such a “Convoluted” existence.

I was about to talk about the guilt I feel about not being totally “here” for my other kids and that’s when I thought of it.

Absent.

Happier Here

I'm in a different place right now.

Something has changed.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
I'm less sad.
Life isn't completely passing me by.
I have flashes of happiness,
of being in the moment.

A fellow BLM described it (for herself) as Acceptance.
Accepting that this is my life.
Alexander is not coming back.
Could be.

Whatever it is, I'm happier to be Here as opposed to There.

One of Them

I've said stupid things.
I've hurt peoples feelings.
I've been ignorant.

Since losing Alexander, I have confessed these faults (to other BLM's). They have assured me that "I meant well", that "I didn't mean to hurt", that "the BLM would understand".

What if Stupid Fuck Lady Self-Professed Optimist were to lose one of her children, would she be forgiven as easily as you have forgiven me? If so, why can I not grant her that forgiveness now?

Once, I was One of Them...

I see stupid people…

So I’ve been meaning to write a post forever about the stupid things that stupid well meaning people say. I wrote, I deleted, I rewrote. I wasn’t getting anything out of it besides getting more pissed off at more people. So, I didn’t post.

I can’t hold it in any longer.

Why do stupid people like to talk about dead babies but only if it’s your dead baby (they shudder to think if it was their baby). On second thought, who really wants to talk about dead babies anyways?

Well, apparently the stupid ladies that I got stuck at a table with today think it’s the cats pajamas. Here’s an overview of what transpired after they heard about the loss of Alexander.

They compared notes as to which channels they avoid watching because the programs might discuss dead/dying/injured babies and that would be horrible, the horror, how would they go on, life wouldn’t be worth living... Um, hello stupids ladies, I’m sitting right here and you’re discussing the ability to “switch” my life to something better like Glee or Dancing with the Stars. Don’t I wish. (Seriously, I love musicals and dancing. Music and dancing together, brilliant).

It got worse. It’s like they couldn’t talk about anything else besides MY dead baby. They couldn’t imagine what it would be like. To which I replied “Don’t imagine it, besides, why would you want to you stupid fuck?” (okay, I didn’t call her a “stupid fuck” but I wanted to).

One of the ladies even told me that she was an optimist (self professed of course). Right after she told me that “There must be a silver lining in Alexander’s death”. Seriously, is that optimism? I almost laughed, I mean that’s some stupid shit. Instead, I told her “No, not at all, not one bit”.

For some reason, I found myself unable to get up from the table and walk away. I wouldn’t consider myself a martyr but I sure was acting like one. I can only chalk it up to my desire for an educational opportunity (for them). Didn’t happen.

I see stupid people…

Ulterior Motives

One of the first questions that people usually ask me (after finding out that I've lost a child) is,
"How long did he live?"
I know what they're thinking.
I too thought it (before losing Alexander).
They're trying to figure out whether he lived long enough to be worthy of my eternal grief.
Whether he lived long enough to have existed.
Why don't people ever ask "What's his name?".