Sunday, 18 September 2011

Is this really my life?

Remember that "Wise Woman" I was talking about. I don't know how she does it.

So, I was just outside taking the dogs for their nightly jaunt (not normally my job but the hubby is away) and I got to thinking. The last time that I was out with the dogs at night was in November, the year Alexander was born. In fact, the very night that his water broke. One million weeks too early.

I know that I shouldn't be thinking these things (I'm about to get to what
"these things are"), let alone writing about them but you guys are my mirror, my sounding board. That which allows me to truly hear what I'm actually thinking. By now, I'm sure that you know what I'm thinking.

Maybe I wasn't dressed warmly enough (there was a real chill).
It was really late (or is that early), they could have waited until the morning.
I should have left the walking to the neighbour (my hubby was once again away).
I'd been out shopping that week (preparing the nursery), maybe I pushed too far.

Does the guilt and questioning ever go Away? Subside? I seem to always come up with new shit.

It feels like it's been intensifing itself lately. Is that "common" for being almost two years out?

Is this really my life?


  1. I ask myself that question all the time. Is this really my life?? Sadly the answer is yes.

  2. I go through fits as I call them now. I won't think of this for a while and then blammo it comes back and I re-analyze everything I have already analyzed a hundred times before. Makes me feel insane.

  3. I don't know the answer to that but I'm giving you lots of love. I'm sorry you have to live with this - no one should have to.