I've known today was coming... for several weeks.
I know every year.
It's like there's an alarm clock in my soul that says "this is when it all began... to go wrong".
Yesterday, I thought about today and lost my breath.
Kind of like in the beginning.
Even writing this my chest still feels heavy.
Today has (almost) come and gone. I survived. Too bad he* didn't.
The build-up is worse than the event.
My soul will breathe deeply for another year.
*(Added after the fact.) I just realized that I often refer to Alexander as "he" or "my son". I don't often call him by name. Maybe it's because I think that it's easier on others if I don't mention his name and/or it's easier for me to slip in a mention of him without others noticing (that he's the dead one). Regardless, it's yet another thing that makes me feel bad like a bad mother (to him).
Sending you hugs!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, it's such a difficult time. Certainly, an alarm clock in the soul. Even when I've tried to avoid thinking about the events of x many years ago, I can't. The time of year just seems to take me back there. I also find the build up to be worse than the event, I hope you have found a little peace today.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that not often calling your son by his name makes you a bad mother. I know I have a tendency to avoid using my daughter's name anywhere other than my own blog, I tend to use her initial. I don't really know why. I quite like your explanation, that it is easier for us to slip in a little mention of them. And I don't think that could be motivated by anything other than love, that desire to have our children noted. Not bad. Not bad mothering either. Love. xo
Who cares what's easier on other people? This isn't about them/us.
ReplyDelete(((((((YOU)))))))) you survived another year! I knew you could do it :)
Thinking of you and Alexander.
ReplyDelete