Thursday, 21 April 2011

All That I Do Have

So I've been writing this post (in my head) for a couple of days now. Not sure exactly what I was trying to say or even how to say it until I got the call...

After losing Alexander, I rejected or was rejected by a fair amount of people. I won't go into details, I'm sure that you know what I'm talking about.

One of the people that I rejected was a friend of over 20 years. We'd grown apart over the years, literally and figuratively. She sent me an email a while ago wondering when was a good time to call. I meant to send her an email back saying something like "now wasn't a good time, really busy, I'd get back to her". But I didn't, so she called.

She is a good person. The only reason why we've stayed in touch over the years is because she has put 110% into the relationship. The problem is that she didn't say any of the right things after Alexander died (still doesn't) and for whatever reason, I didn't/couldn't tell her so. Which is weird because I can tell the person in the checkout line that I've never met but not her. She also told people about us losing Alexander even though she knew that it was private information. I don't really trust her anymore.

So back to the phone call. She said all the same things like she always does. But this time I wondered if she was right.

I spend an awful lot of time thinking about Alexander and what should have, could have, would have been. Am I focusing too much on what I don't have and not enough on what I do have?

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