I don't remember much during or after Alexander's death but I do remember one thing; I wanted another child... a rainbow (at the time, I didn't know that it was called a "rainbow baby", why would I?).
Within minutes of saying good-bye, the thought overwhelmed me. My arms were empty, I wanted to fill them. I realized then, as I do now that, it wasn't so much that I wanted another child (although I did), it was that I wanted him, my dear Alexander...
We have decided not to have anymore children. I use the term "we" but in reality it's my husband that's decided. If we hadn't lost Alexander, I "think" (it's hard to know for sure) that I would have been fine with that. It's hard to raise kids. You don't know how hard until they're here and by then it's too late to send them back. And, they take so much time and energy. Both of which I don't seem to have enough of (now love, the cup runneth over).
A part of me feels that if I had a rainbow it would make something "good" come out of losing Alexander. I'd be able to say "well we wouldn't have Jimmy if Alexander was here". People always tell me that it helps.
Not that I'd have a child just to make me avoid this pain. Creating life and raising a child is so much more than that but I'd be interested in entertaining the thought...
So, does having a rainbow help with weathering the storm?
Even before Logan died shortly after the boys were born, I had this overwhelming urge to get pregnant right away...logical me knew that would be a mistake. I felt that I was robbed of my pregnancy and hated that it ended @ 28 weeks. I had an IUD placed when they were about 6 weeks old. Logan died and I almost went the very next week to have it removed...there were so many issues with Jacob and his CP that once again I decided not to at that time...I feel like I don't even get to enjoy my babies being "babies" actually for the last 21 months I have been stuck in baby hell...if that make sense. I has been really hard watching my boys not do the things "normal babies" do when they are suppose to. Even Andrew...even though there is technically nothing wrong with him, he is almost 2 just started walking and seems so far behind where he should be...like 10 months behind when he was only 3 months early. Jacob still requires the attention an infant would need so I feel like I have had a "baby" this entire time and not a near 2 year old. Anyways, I did end of having he IUD removed after a bunch of drama, but that is an enirely diffrent story. As soon as the IUD was gone, the desire to have another child right now has left as well. I guess I like know that I can get pregnant whenever I want now. I have freedom and I don't have to wait for a doctor etc to have birth control removed. Life is so hard with the babies I have now..they seriously make me an emotional wreck! I think horrible things something require lots of medication to keep me sane..I required this "help" after giving in to the depression and anxiety I fought for so long. I don't think the crazy meds help much, I am still crazy, depressed, and the smallest thing set me off. Jacob's crying drives me crazy...can't even leave the house without him going off the deep end screaming the entire time. I think a "rainbow baby" will be in our future one day. Maybe when the boys are 3 and are in pre-school. Even the desire to have multiples again has crossed my mind...my husband has serious issues about being "robbed" of triplets. I DO NOT want multiples again though..to high of a risk of having more issues like we have already have. If I knew 100% they would make it to full term and would be "normal"..I could handle it, but that is only in God's hands. I even looked up the price of clomid on the internet...I figured I would have a lot of explaining to do if I ended up with fraternal quads LOL
ReplyDeleteI think you should have another baby if it would make you feel better.
The answer to this is yes and no. Being pregnant with my rainbow baby was SO SO hard. Much harder than I expected. I was anxious and a wreck the whole time. I did not enjoy a moment of it and was afraid to bond with my baby in fear he or she would die.
ReplyDeleteAfter he was born it felt great to have a new baby with little health complications but then, the emptiness and longing for my daughter was still there and, in many ways worse, because now, I had tried the one last thing that may make me feel whole again and it did not. Ultimately I have come to terms with the fact that we are not having anymore and even if we had 10 more, not a single one of them would fill the hole in my heart.
For me it was a simple and overwhelming yes - I have no living children and to be striped of that 'mother' title was unbearable. I am pregnant now and its no breeze unlike carrying Elizabeth to term, both mentally and physically; its a white-knuckle ride with no certainties.
ReplyDeleteBUT I know that however many children I do have, nothing will ever satisfy the need nor want for my children who aren't in my arms - just as Jessica said.